Monday, August 31
ok... i love this one it, so open and trusting... trust is based off actions, not words...
I will admit to finding Hollywood, a small intricate fantasy filled city, a sabotagey community... sprinkled with roses i tend as precious as le petit prince did his one..
it's a city that can be an Oscar Wilde smiths 'we hate it when our friends become successful kinda place..' i imagine it's quite the same in any field actually..
i miss the straight forwardness of NYC, in your face there (as i recall), here they smile in your face, all the while....
And yet, i do love this city and call it home, it's physical beauty entwined with the heavy armor one needs for protection here... i'd put it down.. but it serves me well... at times.
i will now demonstrate my perception of LA by performing 'this town' from the 80's band the gogos.( you should now totally picture me singing & dancing to this offish key...)
This Town by The GO-GO's
'We all know the chosen toys
Of catty girls and pretty boys
make up that face
Jump in the race
Life's a kick in this town
Life's a kick in this town
This town is our town
It is so glamorous
Bet you'd live here if you could
And be one of us
Change the lines that were said before
We're all dreamers - we're all whores
Like worn out cars
Litter the streets of this town
Litter the streets of this town
song still stands up for what LA can be, if you look the wrong way. i've very recently switched views; not only did it help crick in my neck, i appreciate the people i can sit/lie in silence with. no babble, no actress/business person, no anxiety, just pure trust. that's love. that's godhead as Gregg Araki would say back in the daaayyyy....
Saturday, August 29
The way you make love is the way God will love you -Rumi
" Talking is pain. Lie down and rest, now that you've found a friend to be with." - Rumi
these have been running through my brain.. to be patient, in silence and have infinite faith.... oh, and to know that making love compared to having sex- is seeing god.
to learn to dance gracefully in the rain, with patience and love.... these resonate for my life path...
have you ever found yourself staring at the same old thing, trussed up in a spiffy new package? no matter how shiny, i like that these days that i spot it sooner... than later... so i try to quiet myself, feel the movements around me.... things change on a dime when you're open to your intuition.
less and less of the takers get through... almost like they don't exist.. there's a comfort in that.
'the way you make love..' -is it to fulfill the base desire, or is it about a cosmic connection... both are completely valid and human. i find sometimes the bigger the stakes.. heart, vulnerability.... the greater the sex. though nothing wrong w/ hedonism if that's you're bag.... just my preference.
to lie in silence, with a friend, ahhh heaven.
I've been really drawn to getting a tattoo lately.. what's that about?
Friday, August 28
maybe the above is a truism, when you really mull it, i mean sure, right?...
but i can't breathe under such restrictions...
for better or worse I've always spoke the truth... 'disconcerting little thing' to adults, i was as child, stripping the emperors clothes off without awareness... yet so sensitive was i to the truth, i must've known somewhere the effect words & a look can have.... even then.
now, i know when to hold my tongue, or to parse it with truthful gentle compassion..it's a more graceful way, clumsy girl/woman that i am.
the truth will always be the most seductiveturn on in the world for me... well, that and humour.. oh and a brilliant mind, and...
Wednesday, August 26
i made this a blog cause a real friend on the FB said and i quote "rachel: that is by far the weirdest post i have read yet. Bravo!"
Thursday, August 20
I'm aware i know a very little teeny tiny bit about a lot...still love learning and listening, I'd give that the big ups to staying young at heart btw...
along those lines I wish people who'd watched 'The Secret', via endorsement from Oprah- would've done follow up reading and realized Secret was a truncated version of concepts culled from great writings, cleverly repackaged for Americans @ '97.
At some point you have to go deeper than saying to your buddies or self when the shit hits the fan, 'well, you must have attracted the negative to you'. that's only a part of the whole, and comes off patronizing. It's about 'what shall i do now', which path next to attain my dreams, not 'this is all fault' that's um, negative thinking right? not to mention, what happened to compassion for self or others in this equation?
Babies and virgins being raped to "cure" adults of hiv, ink stained fingers cut off for voting, arms hobbled for the western diamond market, kids in sex slave trade market,ARE NOT souls guilty of attracting that particular negative fate. geography seems to play a bigger part frankly.
so hopefully we all go deeper than - little bobby wants a bike, cuts out pictures of said bike, sulks long enough, finally gets bike from grandpa because he thought 'it '. we do give life with our thoughts, positive or negative... but in my world- lil bobby could of mowed some lawns and helped himself out, get some dosh, and gotten the bike a whole lot sooner, by helping himself. not just asking... but asking with intention and doing what you can to help the butterfly wing ripple up change.
so this made me ponder that:
I'm as confused as american re the health care mess/debates.. it's just weird to see poor people fighting it so hard. To 'hate' the President of only 8 months, who by all appearances is trying his hardest to work out the huge pile of crap, dumped in his lap by 8 yrs of bush, seemed misplaced anger. BTW hells yeah, i wrote of everything Bush allowed, now i can't...That's all right, it's now fairer to the average bear, in fact. wouldn't it be nice if it was less about I, more about WE, and we as a people coping with growing pains of adolescent America?... or, um, like shouldn't it be?
why all the twitter hate for Pres Obama? why are people who need health care in usa the most!? busy making posters of our Pres w/ a hitler moustache.... seems a waste of energy to me.
why is that so scary all these years after Hillarys attempt? is it the semantics of phrase socialized?
Even stupid people who pay their cable bill, buy a ps3 & video games first before taking themself to the doctor when sick because it cost too much, will benefit. and nobodies ganna kill your grandma or unborn babies under ANY plan. why the surge campaign of screwing self and others out for losing needed medical care?
Monday, August 17
Had the most intense two weeks of creative day and insomniac nights writings followed by silly bouts of tweeting... sometimes you go with what is... even as sleep calls, and the hours and days blend.
It was, for me, amazing to feel/see words unfold into another...
inspiration, instead of my own clumsy forced hand. not saying the words are perfect yet.. the action of creating was divine, and after a mid summer malaise, just the ticket out of the doldrums...
writing uber personal stories, created for yourself, but possibly for public consumption, is scary. that's why i've always appreciated a good singer/songwriter. not only do they write the words, they then perform them. acapella sometimes.
i remember losing muy respect points for a guy i'd dated when he told me he didn't care to do a singer in the round type thing ever, because he needed his (cover?!) band behind him to fully feel his sexuality. huh? (i digress, i feel you should just be your artist self... not be the image of what you think an artist is..)
creation is at it's most beautiful, raggged, bare and stripped of the pretty garnish we sweeten the soundtrack with.
ps. i really dislike brittany spears' voice, it's akin to a soprano sax to my ear. catchy pop, tho.
pps...i 'm in my over rewrite stage on a few things. i encourage you to finish any creative projects you've left half finished or never started.... and if you already do thid w/ aplomb, you get to feel superiour, and i am but a gopi in adrift, at sea.
now i am drained. like this bee... he looks like he's got that end of summer thing going on, don't ya think?
Saturday, August 15
I had a coveted 2nd floor apt, (there were only 3, to the buliding 12 units), was outside on terrace painting a table, and a small voice said, hi, i'm so and so, want me to help... and then we were just always friends...years past filled with new friends and snips and quips, laughter and disagreements, but mostly laughs, y'know the usual friend stuff.
while our friendship had drifted, we went to dinner a few days after I'd tested for the sitcom i'd eventually do. i'm kept mum about auditioning ..(as and actor to cope you just realize, fuck it, until i'm on the set holding the script w/ a year pick up, or this movie is a GO... none of this is real)i digress, such a lazy writer i am...
ok back on point. after that night, and major events, ie getting the job, a network pick up, starting, working, dad dying, general life.. despite trying to get in touch on my part for like y'now 6-9 months, i never ever heard from her again...
cut to like last fall-
a random text from her (after 7 yrs)... sorry your brother died. (fair enough, me too.)
i sent one back... thanks.
followed a few months later by an email invite to a holiday party. (weird, what's in it for me?)
so like a big girl whose been through therapy:
i sent her an email saying- i really loved our friendship, I'm as shocked as anyone we're no longer friends, buti don't feel comfortable going to party. Acknowledged she had every right to not need/want my friendship way back when for valid reasons, behaviours i had, and have thankfully have grown out of.
her email- "can we just be friends now.... i just thought you wanted a new life and friends"
OK- that's when the bullshit meter when up, hold up lady, me reaching out in the void isn't act of someone desperate to moving on to a new life and friends.
i don't change when i get work. Even work on a great comedy proving groud of a money pile sitcom gig, I'm practical gal. that is the life of the artist, the ups and downs... (-although my friends did have to tell me to talk in door voice, and every sentence doesn't need a button.) (shame spiral)
it's like just say YOU wanted a different life w/o me in it.. that's fair enough and the truth. i'd buy and forgive that for a dollar.
i write back with an email signed 'your would be friend'... 'i just needed a small convo re past... and i have acknowledge my foibles to you... just need to know why you split just when things got good for me, and resurface when you perceive things to be....?'
I never heard back from her.
that's an OK thing, it shows me who my tribe is. Deart god, it's me margret- why do girl friendships have it this rough? xx True
2 sides to every story btw, to be sure.
Monday, August 3
(CNN) -- Jennifer Aniston appears resigned to the single life, if an interview in Elle magazine is any indication. Jennifer Aniston poked fun at her love life at an awards event this year.
"If I'm the emblem for 'this is what it looks like to be the lonely girl getting on with her life,' so be it," Aniston said in the September issue, according to a excerpts released by the magazine.
"I'm not going to ignore the pink elephant in the living room," she said of her rocky post-divorce love life. "It's fine. I can take it."
I kind of noticed a few years ago, there seems to be a strange parallel between the movies I'm doing and my life off-screen," It started with 'The Good Girl,' then of course 'Rumor Has It,' followed by 'Derailed.' Then there was 'The Break Up.' If any of you have a project entitled 'Everlasting Love with a Stable Adult Male,' I'm at table 6!" she said. "I can make fun of myself, and I'll bring it up as long as the world is bringing it up."
So the reason this pushes my buttons has NOTHING to do w/ her as a person at all.
i mean really nothing.... i have total sympathy for her losing a love. but i know.... You move on, right?
It brings out/reminds me of my own whiny inner child that still cryies victim...- 'hey look at me, i went through this...'. not really a warriors stance.
i've worked spiritually a lot on not being/playing a victim (unless i'm acting and getting paid)I had to, or I'd never have gotten an acting job in the 1st place, or any of the things i dream up for myself.
Now, what others think of me is their business... what i reflect for them has nothing to do w/ me, as what jen reflects to me, has nothing to do w/ her.
that said, I'm big on truth, or at least a clever spin. I find her quips banal, sculpted, and weirdly untrue. nobody, but nobody, not even pretty pretty Jen wants to be the poster girl for saddies.